Father’s day

It is Father’s day in the UK later this month. For many it is a time when they can thank their Dad for his care and support, and celebrate the important role men play in families. However, it can be a difficult time for some people. This article outlines some of the reasons why Father’s day may be difficult, and what you can do to help yourself.

Father's Day words on a brown background and a photo of a person silhouetted against a skyline.
Father’s Day

Your Dad has died

It can be hard to see others buying gifts and going out for family meals for Father’s day if your Dad has died. Seeing the cards in the shops can be a painful reminder of your loss.

You don’t know who your Dad was

Knowing who are parents were and something about them can be an important part of forming our own identities. For many years the name of the father did not need to be disclosed on a birth certificate, and so a person may never know the identity of their biological father.

This is not a new experience. A number of people born during or just after the Second World War don’t know who their Dad was, because of the stigma of births outside of marriage at that time.

You don’t get on with your Dad

Family breakup and strained relationships may mean that you don’t know your father as a person, or you don’t get on. You may look at the relationship other people have with their Dads and wish for something similar for yourself.

You wanted to be a Dad

There may be many reasons why the dream of fatherhood may not have been available. It may be through health issues, or not having a partner who also wanted to be a parent. This is a loss of a dream, and it can be hard to see other people with their children.

You are a Dad but don’t see your children

it can be very hard to see other men spending time with their children on Father’s day if you are not in contact with your own children.

Looking after yourself

The first step is acknowledging your feelings of loss, regret or sadness. You may be feeling angry. Burying feelings or pretending they don’t exist doesn’t make them go away. All feelings are valid, its what you do about them that makes the difference.

Do what you need to do. This may include:

  • visiting your Dad’s grave if he has died
  • spending time with friends
  • making your own ritual to mourn lost relationships or dreams
  • buy a card and write in it what you’d like to say to your Dad

Talk to someone you trust, and who won’t judge you for how you feel.

A message for men who find Father’s day difficult

You don’t have to Man up. Men are human. Humans have feelings.

Counselling can help

Counselling can help you sort out how you feel, express those feelings in a safe and supportive environment, and help you decide what you want to do about how you feel and your relationships to others. Contact me to find out more about how counselling can help you.

Digital bereavement – lost memory

black and white photo of a man sitting on a bench holding his baby daughter

Imagine you never saw a photo of your late loved one again? How would that feel? I don’t have a lot of photos of my Dad because he was usually behind the camera. But I have some (like the one with me as a baby above), and because many were taken in a pre-digital age I have them on paper and I’ve taken digital copies. That’s because they are precious to me, and are part of my memory of my late Dad.

lost memory banks

A recent media report highlighted that for some people this memory bank of our late loved ones, and our history with them, may be lost. It was reported that a man had stored all his photos online, as many of us do. Photos he had taken of his wife and child. When he died his family were unable to gain access to the photos. It was easier to gain probate for physical property and shares than it was that memory bank of photos.

memories of love

Photos like the one above form part of our own history. I have no memory of the day this photo was taken, with me on my Dad’s lap on a bench. What this photo does is remind me of the love and care I received from my Dad, that he supported me from my earliest years, even before I was old enough to understand all that he did. I could know this without this photo, but it is a strong emotional reminder of that love and care. Photos are a reminder of things we did together, our shared history. That family lost this link to their shared history with their lost loved one when they were denied access to his photos in the cloud.

losing part of yourself

I do know exactly where this photo was taken and that there is still a bench there. However I’d never be able to replace it. I am an adult, not the baby in this photo, and both my Dad and my Mum who took it are dead. Without the photos I lose a part of myself, of the family and environment that contributed to who I am today

many sorts of loss

When someone dies we recognise that loss. There are social conventions around loss in most communities. Yet losing, or being denied access to, photographs is another form of loss, that may compound the loss. The impact of that loss may not be recognised by others.

helping the living

Recognising the impact of losing a memory bank of photos may have on bereaved people, even a long time after their loved one has died, is something we can do for the living. We can also find out how to put our own digital world in order to minimise the loss to those who love us. This link gives information about how to contact the main social media and online content providers after someone has died.

https://www.bereavementadvice.org/topics/registering-a-death-and-informing-others/how-to-contact-different-services-digital-legacy/

Julie Millar is a counsellor in Chester.

She grew up at the seaside and loves sunshine and tea. She listens with her heart as well as her ears. She works with people who have lost something precious to them; a person, an animal, a dream… And people who have experienced abuse. People who are hurting or confused and want something to change.

Julie’s superpower is curiosity.

Follow Julie on Facebook and Instagram where she posts on a variety of topics.

Being creative in counselling

image of a decorated mask, painted stones a paint brush and scisssors, illustrating ways of expressing being creative
Painted mask and stones

How many of us hold onto the idea that we are not creative? Perhaps we think that allowing ourselves just to be with paint or craft materials is only for children? And that if we make something it has to reach a certain standard to be deemed valid and a good use of our time?

art at school

I certainly got the message at school that I was no good at art, and so I soon started disengaging. My ‘art’ reflected this. I painted an iris in front of a brick wall, my entry to paradise was the gates to a junkyard. So I secretly read the NME under the desk in art class instead. I have to say I liked my art teacher, I just didn’t meet the school art standards and there was nothing else to offer kids like me.

creativity doesn’t need to be art

Now if I had been told that doing embroidery was creative, or making macrame plantpot holders was creative, I might have absorbed a different message about myself. Creativity takes many forms. It can be art, or writing poetry or novels; it can be crafts, making clothes, cooking. I found creativity in accountancy, not in cooking the books (!!), but in the sense of making something coherent out of apparent chaos. Being creative is part of being human.

creative adults?

When we think about being creative with things such as paint, felt, stones, embroidery it seems we can go three ways: things that have a value that qualify as art, that appear in galleries; things that are exemplars of a craft that are admired as such; and things made by children. It feels that if you are not an artist, a craftsperson or a child creativity is something adults don’t to. It’s not proper adulting. Well actually it is. Why should we stop expressing ourselves just because we have grown up bodies?

the quality standard

We live in a world where we are constantly invited to compare ourselves and what we are and do to others. Too often we find ourselves wanting. This can come up in allowing ourseslves to be creative. We can look at what other’s do and find our creations lacking. That may reflect an underlying sense of inferiority, or a sense of not being worthy. You don’t have to share what you do with anyone else unless you want to. And what others do is their expression of themselves, you are expressing you.

making things tells us about ourselves

When we let ourselves engage in something that touches that creative part of us we may also find things about ourselves that we had forgotten or didn’t know. When I decorated the mask you see at the top of this post, I used what materials that were immediately at hand. Reflecting on that I see myself as someone who tries to make the most of what I have. My decoration is very minimal, and I painted the lips a colour you might not expect. This led to the feeling that someone else may not like the mask, and more deeply may not like me. On the inside I wrote “do you like me?”. And that brought me in touch with a part of me that said “too bad if you don’t!”. Having a balanced view of ourselves can help our mental health.

An example of being creative. Image of the inside of a painted mask with written words including " do you like me?" and " too bad if you  don't"
mask interior

a sense of personal achievement

Making things can bring a sense of achievement. I recently made a simple skirt and pair of trousers and felt the satisfaction of making something I could wear what reflected something about me. Making something that is useful or beautiful to you, or doing something you simply enjoy doing, can bring a sense of achievement and personal satisfaction. Those are reasons enough to do them.

creativity in counselling

Counselling is seen as a talking therapy, however it isn’t only that. Creativity in the counselling room can help people understand themselves better, celebrate the varied qualities they have, and get back in touch with the child’s joy of being absorbed in making something.

The mask and stones were decorated by me at a Creative Counsellors’ skill share event.

Hi, I’m Julie, and I’m a counsellor based in Chester.

I am in my fifties, grew up at the seaside and love sunshine and tea. My superpower is curiosity. I am quiet and open, and listen with my heart as well as my ears. I particularly work with people who have lost something precious to them; a person, an animal, a dream… Or who have experienced abuse and now question their own selves or their value. People who are hurting or confused and want something to change.

I trained as a counsellor at the University of Chester. I used to be an accountant although I realised I like people much more than numbers. I’ve been a hospital chaplain, and it was this that led me into counselling. My passion is to be alongside people as they navigate through the varied sea states of life, from flat calm to raging storm.

Please do follow me on Facebook and Instagram. I post about a variety of topics to interest you.

Happy Easter

Julie Millar counselling is closed for the Easter weekend, re-opening on Tuesday 23rd April. I hope you enjoy whatever you are doing this weekend.

New website

Before I started my own business as a counsellor I knew nothing much about websites. I certainly had never tried to build one. This has been a learning process that has been creative and also frustrating. Not having a computing background some of the language leaves me scratching my head in puzzlement. I’ve also had fun looking at images and deciding what might best illustrate the point I am making or want to get over.

image of planet and stars with words updated website
updated website

the site is live!

Now I am super pleased to announce that my newly upgraded website is live. It has been live for a little while, however I’ve been busy updating some of the content. I had it rebuilt by Websites for Therapists so that I could add features, such as embedded videos, that I wasn’t able to do on my old site because of restrictions on the subscription I had.

content

I’ve begun to update the content, giving information about me as a person, and how counselling can help. I’ve also provided some links to resources and organisations I hope will be helpful.

over to you

Please have a look through the content I’ve posted and let me know if there is anything else you’d like to see on my site, or any counselling related subject you’d like to see me blog about.

Julie Millar is a counsellor in Chester.

She grew up at the seaside and loves sunshine and tea. She listens with her heart as well as her ears. She works with people who have lost something precious to them; a person, an animal, a dream… And people who have experienced abuse. People who are hurting or confused and want something to change.

Julie’s superpower is curiosity.

Follow Julie on Facebook and Instagram where she posts on a variety of topics.

How to get through Mother’s Day

It is Mother’s Day in the UK this weekend. From the promotions in so many places, from florists to restaurants and when you do the weekly shop, it is impossible to avoid the reminders. In this blog I’ll explore the reasons many people find Mother’s Day difficult, and share some tips to get you through the day.

Image of daffodils in a colourful vase on a table
Flowers for Mother’s Day
Your Mum has died.

The death of your Mum can be one of the most significant losses. For most people our Mum is the first person we have a really close relationship to, and she is a significant figure in our formative years. Loss of your Mum marks a new phase of life, and an end to the identity of being someone’s child, whatever age you lose your Mum. If you have children you also see them missing their grandmother and you are carrying two losses as you support them.

You had a poor relationship with your Mum.

All around us in society there are idealised images of mother-child relationships. This is particularly so at this time of year. If you had a poor relationship with your Mum because of abuse, addiction or family breakdown, or your Mum simply wasn’t able to cope with being a mother (for whatever reason), you may feel the loss of a relationship you never had.

You wanted to be a Mum.

Seeing children coming home from nursery or school carrying gifts and cards they’ve made for their Mums can be a painful reminder of the lost dream of being a parent yourself.

You lost a child.

This time of year can trigger an increase in thoughts of what that child many have grown up to be like, what they may have done for you on Mother’s day, and the enormity of your loss. Other children may feel the loss of a sibling too.

You don’t see your children.

In these circumstances you may hold painful memories about the circumstances of the end of the relationship with your child. You may wonder what sort of person they are as they grow up, and may harbour the hope of reconciliation.

Things you can do
  • Be kind to yourself, recognise it is a difficult time and give yourself some space
  • Acknowledge your feelings. Your feelings are yours, no-one can tell you how you should feel.
  • Write a card to your Mum, saying how you feel. You can keep or dispose of it as feels right for you
  • Buy a gift for yourself
  • Make a card for yourself
  • Make your own remembrance ritual, such as light a candle or visit a significant place
  • Say no to any family gatherings you are not comfortable with
  • Ask for support from a trusted friend or family member

All of these experiences contain an element of loss. Counselling can help with feelings of loss; of someone you loved; of something you hoped for but didn’t have; of relationships. Call me on 07761 023027 or email julie@juliemillarconselling.com to talk about how counselling may help you.

Julie Millar is a counsellor in Chester.

She grew up at the seaside and loves sunshine and tea. She listens with her heart as well as her ears. She works with people who have lost something precious to them; a person, an animal, a dream… And people who have experienced abuse. People who are hurting or confused and want something to change.

Julie’s superpower is curiosity.

Follow Julie on Facebook and Instagram where she posts on a variety of topics.

Julie

5th March 2019

In this blog I review Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig, in which he describes his experience of anxiety and depression. The book was published in 2015 and is still a popular book.

Matt Haig has a very engaging style, and this book is very readable. I read it on a train journey to London and back. It is both biographical and a self help book. He tells the story of living with depression and anxiety, of almost taking his own life, and how he got through it. He also gives facts about the incidence of depression and anxiety, and tips that have helped him and others.

Anxiety and depression are very common separately and in combination. Haig reports that one in five people experience depression at some point in their life, and that combined anxiety and depression is the most common mental health condition in the UK. Suicide is the leading cause of death in men under 35. There is no shame in living with depression and/or anxiety, and you are certainly not alone. Haig gives a long list of famous people who have experienced depression, and while social and economic factors can contribute to depression and anxiety, they can happen to anyone.

Matt Haig got to a point where he couldn’t carry on the way he was and needed support. He had family and the woman who is now his wife on his side who gave him support while he rebuilt himself. Medication helps many, but doesn’t suit everyone. Time, self compassion and simply keeping going kept him going. And there was light at the end of the tunnel, even if he does sometimes dip back into the dark.

If you are feeling anxious or depressed (or both) a visit to your GP is a good idea. Counselling can help with both anxiety and depression, to help deal with the feelings and explore what is behind the experience.

Counselling appointments are available on Tuesdays in Ellesmere Port. Call, text or email to book.

Julie Millar is a counsellor in Chester.

She grew up at the seaside and loves sunshine and tea. She listens with her heart as well as her ears. She works with people who have lost something precious to them; a person, an animal, a dream… And people who have experienced abuse. People who are hurting or confused and want something to change.

Julie’s superpower is curiosity.

Follow Julie on Facebook and Instagram where she posts on a variety of topics